Bye Bye Blogie

This blog is no more, it has ceased to be.

for all future errordactyl pleasure, please visit:

http://www.errordactyl.com

mother FUCKER!

 

speeding camera ticket http://www.errordactyl.com

Kenji the workplace sexual harassment robot

robot sex http://www.errordactyl.com

Some of you may have heard of this robot in Japan who fell in love with one of his intern/trainer people, barricaded her in his room, and refused to stop hugging her repeatedly until his eventual deactivation by two senior staff members.  But to be perfectly fair here, did you see the way she was dressed?  SHE WAS TOTALLY ASKING FOR IT!!!

the top 10 cool things about “Babylon A.D.”

babylon a.d.

 

I watched “Babylon A.D.” last night, and though it was not a particularly fantastic movie, it definitely had it’s moments.  So here they are (in order of lamest to coolest):

WOMEN OF ERRORDACTYL (and you thought it wouldn’t work)

 

errrorette http://www.errordactyl.com

Well that wasn’t so hard, was it?  That’s retorical (fucking stupid ass text based communication).  At any rate, I’m glad that at least SOME of my readers out there don’t take themselves too seriously.  And bonus points for the purple sharpie too, that rules.

So here’s to all of you who don’t have a stick up your ass.  Keep it cumming coming!

invaders must die

invaders must die http://www.errordactyl.com

I scored a copy of the new Prodigy album the other day, and it ROCKS!!!!  I must say that, despite my die-hard love for The Prodigy, I was a little worried that they had already reached their apex.  Nothing could have been further from the truth.  ”Invaders Must Die” continues to really push the limits of Liam Howlett’s ingenuity, and draw from a diverse musical background of both electronic and acoustic musical genres (hell, Dave Grohl even plays drums on one track).  The Prodigy managed to stay true to their old school electronica roots, and signature sound, while moving further into the rock-electronica fusion genre that they did so much to create.  It is worth mentioning as well that the two remixes on the “Omen” single release are FIRE as well.  Though that is to be expected from Noisia and Chase and Status.  The album is scheduled for release in the States on March 3rd, GO BUY IT!!!!!

pshttt… humans

 

rainbow http://www.errordactyl.com

I’m not the biggest fan of humans, I’m just going to be up front about that one.  I know, I know, I’m a human and I have human friends that I like, but i think that’s kind of on par with when you accuse someone of being racist, and they respond with “I have plenty of black friends”.  They’re still racist, and I still hate humans.  I mean, what the hell do we do?  We’re pointless!!! We’re not even a link in the food chain!  We’re just the ball at the end of it, dragging everything else down with us.  Fuck humans.  The only cool thing we have ever done is music (and pyramids).  Music is awesome, but at the same time, it really isn’t anything at all.  It’s just a concept, existing solely in the minds of other humans.  Even when music is played, it takes an other human to interpret it as more than just sound.  A dog doesn’t know the difference between music and the humm of an electric light.  So without humans, music isn’t real, it sucks too.

penisjuice

smegma zone www.errordactyl.com

in case you didn’t believe me

fucking search http://www.errordactyl.com

I can’t make this stuff up.  Seriously.  I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that someone turned to Google for coital disrobing advice, or the fact that my site came up in the search results.  In fact, I didn’t even really believe it myself untill I doubble checked, and sure enough, number three:

 

fucking results http://www.errordactyl.com

the internet… ROTFL

deliver me from fast food

There’s a “stats” page in the admin section of this site where I can see things like how many people look at the blog, where they were referred from, which pages got the most traffic, and all kinds of other fun info.  One of the things that I can see is what people have typed into search engines to find my site.  These are always the funniest.  I get stuff like “when do i firs shave” or “is mensa a joke”, that kind of stuff.  However, I saw something particularly retarded down there yesterday:

 

errordactyl searches http://www.errordactyl.com

HOLD EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is someone actually trying to cheat their way in to McDonalds?  This is too awesome.

Hello world! (because the whole world is on wordpress right now)

“Hello world!” is apparently the default WordPress title for someone’s first blog post.  I find this slightly odd.  I mean, think about it for a second:

Of the 6.7 billion people on earth, only about 1.46 billion are actually on the internet, and I’m sure they’re not all on WordPress right now.  They’re definitely not on the errordactyl blog.  In fact I can tell you with all certainty that exactly one 6.7 billionth of the wold population is on the errodactyl blog right now.

ONE 6.7 BILLIONTH!!!

That’s a REALLY small fraction.  We’re talking scientific calculator small (you know a number with an e-something after it).  I mean, I loose more than one 6.7billionth of my body mass when I sneeze!  Even I’m not self centered enough to call THAT the “world” (most of the time).  So good going wordpress thanks for greeting me with immediate assumptions of how egotistical I am.  Also, thanks for the free web page, that part’s cool.  Anyway, 6.7 billionth, relatively underwhelming? Yes.  However I can’t help but take comfort in the fact that I found my own little piece of the internet to ruin.  It’s kind of like shitting in the secret garden.

errordactyl wallpaper

So I was sitting at home last night, a victim of insomnia, wondering to myself: what could I personally contribute to the world that would make it a better place? You guessed it! errordactyl wallpaper!  I immediately got to work.  Well 20 minutes and 1 glass of Glenmorangie later, this was all I could come up with.  So throw me a bone, and put it on someone’s desktop when they’re not looking.

click the errordactyl for a full size version

T-Pain in the ass

Ok, I know that everyone and their mother has already voiced their opinions on the vocal effect recently popularized by T-Pain in his song “Buy U a Drank”.  So in an attempt to differentiate myself from the flock, I would like to state here that my day job is in the music business.  More specifically the recording/production side of things.  Now without further ado:

I’M SO FUCKING TIRED OF PEOPLE SWOONING OVER WHAT IS NOW REFERRED TO AS “DAT T-PAIN”!!!!

too happy for halloween

I went to a symphony last night, nothing particularly out of the ordinary.  Great music, decent orchestra, cool period instruments (including a keyed trumpet), all the ingredients for a good evening except that they made us sit on these weird uncomfortable benches.  That really harshed the vibe, there’s a special name for them I think… Oh yea, PEWS! I WAS IN A FUCKING CHURCH!

Ok, by some force of nature I had been tricked into entering a church (god? you’re reading this right? don’t be pissed, dog), but I could handle it.  Just focus on the music.  Yea, that worked until intermission.  While roaming the halls after my cigarette, I came across this sign:

Yes, the “Halloween Safe Night”.  It seems like kids these days can’t just have some good clean pagan fun without the church coming and fucking everything up.  First the Nicene Creed and now this?  ASSHOLES!  And look at the fine print:

episode II: attack of the internet

So when did we stop using the internet, and start letting the internet use us?  Am I the only one who wants to kick Al Gore in the balls every time I log on to my computer?  Yes, there is a wealth of free information on the internet.  Yes, the free exchange of ideas is healthy.  Yes, I too have become overly dependent on it.  But seriously, people need to stop placing so much value in 1’s and 0’s for a change.  You know that’s why our economy is falling apart right?  And as if that isn’t enough, check THIS out:

Æon Flux is fucking awesome!

I was watching some of the shorts from the first two seasons of “Aeon Flux” last night, and they really blew my mind.  I think I had forgotten just how amazing this series is.  For the record, I’m talking about the animated series here, not the movie.  Not that the movie was terrible, but they seem like two completely different things to me, and I only want to discuss one of them.

to inquire about esquire

I recently got it in my head that I wanted the suffix “Esq.” after my name.  For those of you who don’t know, the “Esq.” suffix is short for “Esquire”, and is typically used to indicate that the bearer is a lawyer.   Notice that I say “typically”.  So after being told that I was ridiculous and out of line by most of my friends, I did what I always do.  Set out to get it anyway, so I could throw it in their faces.

My fascination with the whole esquire thing started when I saw a lawyer buy something with his credit card, and after his name were three gleaming angelic letters, followed by the boldest and most authoritative of all punctuation

Esq.

I had to have that.  So naturally my own personal “pimp my name” process started at the bank (what? you didn’t think it was going to star at law school did you?), well on the phone with the bank anyway.  The conversation went something like this:

maybe you shouldn’t vote

That’s right, I said it.  It seems that everywhere I turn some new organization is on it’s knees ready to suck my dick if I register to vote, paying no mind to my level of political aptitude.  Every time it leaves me thinking:

JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN, DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD.

I want to make it clear here that I do not claim to be a political analyst of any kind.  Yes, I have a functional knowledge of politics and what’s going on in the world, and I am registered to vote, but I am the first to admit that I am not a political genius by any stretch of the imagination.  That being said, look at the people around you and ask yourself it they’re really qualified to choose the next president.  Before everyone gets on my case about this, please note:

I AM NOT IN FAVOR OF REVOKING PEOPLES RIGHT TO VOTE.

I just wish that some people didn’t.  Take a look at this:

McDonald’s Monopoly (on retards)

It’s 2008, and this years McDonald’s Monopoly game is under way.  But before you get your hopes up, let’s consider just how stupid this promotion really is.  Well, first we need some cold hard statistics.  We need to figure out just what we’re up against.  How about the McDonald’s website?  Yea, they must have the terms and conditions up there, but wait I can’t seem to find it on the monopoly page here:

http://cep.mcdonalds.com/monopoly/

I can find my free online offers.  I can see stacks of money everywhere. I can see happy people (healthy happy people at that).  Shit, I can even see a link to nutrition information (if that’s what they’re going to call it).  But where the hell are the terms and conditions?  Oh, wait, it may be in the fine print (shown here at ACTUAL SIZE):

shave the puberty mustache and do the world a favor

Girls are not going to wet themselves over that sparse patch of misplaced crotch hair you have growing out of your face.  Trust me.  If you’re not man enough to grow a beard, then don’t try.  Take this kid for example:

He had to pay a girl to fake interest, just so he could put the picture on the internet.  Did he not know I would berate him publicly the first chance I got?

I spent my weekend…

terrorizing Hollywood on the illegitimate hate-child of Poseidon.

oops, we fucked up time

I woke up yesterday morning in a hungover stupor.  Hours later, feeling a little better, but still utterly confused, I decided to make my way home.  I glanced at the clock in the dashboard only to find out that it was an hour later than I thought.  This couldn’t be right.  I reached for my phone.  That had the time that I thought it was, but it was dying, and therefore not to be trusted.  Plus, the iPod was corroborating my car’s story.  “Not to worry” I thought “I’ll figure it out when I get home”.

IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY!!!

But no, it’s not.  I came home to discover that my alarm clock had reset itself in the night, and I had offset my other alarm intentionally, some how.  It was an effort to wake myself up in a panic (I won’t get out of bed otherwise), but it backfired.  Next, my computer.  It agreed with my phone, almost, but it’s always wrong about everything, so no help there.  THE INTERNET!!! It would have to know, so I asked it.

Yea, guess what else “isn’t that easy”.

Britney Spears = Sid Vicious

This concept was brought to my attention last night.  I was at a birthday dinner talking about music with a stranger, when she said “Britney Spears is the modern day Sid Vicious”.  My initial reaction was “how could this be?”  They seemed so different to me at first, what could the legendary punk rocker have in common with this pop-diva-tramp?  But then it all started to come together.  Neither one of them was any good as a musician (look, it’s true, just accept it).  So if not music, what were they good at?  Oh yea, that’s right, they’re both just professional fuck-ups.  People LOVE to watch them self-destruct.  Plus, take a look at this:

Sid Vicious

Britney Spears

Hey, look on the bright side, with any luck she’ll overdose on heroin soon like Sid.

a rose by any ghetto name would smell as sweet

For some time now I have been continually baffled by the seemingly endless supply of ghetto names out there.  Where the hell do they all come from?  Are people just pulling this shit out of nowhere?  Today I intend to demystify the ghetto name once and for all, by breaking it down into three distinct sub-categories:

1) Regular names with fucked up spellings

Shawn Carter http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

2) Tacky non-name words that are used for names anyway

Magic Johnson (I know that's not his real name) http://errorcactyl.wordpress.com

3) Completely made-up sounds

Condoleezza Rice http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

bread, wine, and jesus paper

I got some jesus paper yesterday.  You know that crap people hand you in the street, outside the grocery store, by the Metro, WHEREVER.  Now these things are awesome, if you ever read them.  They’re just jibberish, they make no sense whatsoever.  It’s like talking to a crazy person.

jesus paper http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

I think the problem is that it tries to quote the bible too much, they need to add some filler in there to tie it all together.  I counted 27 bible quotes in two-and-a-half mini pages.  Sorry, but that just doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for coherence.  I also noticed the web address at the end.  Let’s just say that the prestigious “errordactyl best website ever” award has now been given to http://www.fellowshiptractleague.org/.

demystifying the wacintosh

THERE IS NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR MAC, so stop dick-riding.  You sound like an idiot.

mac wacintosh http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Now I know how it is once you’re in the cult, it’s hard to admit that a Mac is just a regular-ass computer with an Intel processor and Unix based operating system.  Especially after you’ve spent all of that money on one.  Plus all the people on tv that tell you to buy a mac look so jovial and spunky.  And that’s where they hide their deepest secret, with one man in particular at the center of the current Apple ad campaign.  To truly understand the Macintosh, we must first delve deeper into the inner workings of… the iBro

iBro http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

ain’t nobody got a swagger like, umm, what’s swagger?

I was at a restaurant last night, at a business dinner, when one of my colleagues commented that the woman across from me had “swagger”.  That’s one hell of an illusive term right there.  We discussed the matter at the table for a bit.  Now, women do not usually receive this label of endearment, but it fit in this situation, so swagger must not be gender specific.  It doesn’t seem to have a lot to do with age either.  So maybe looking at people who have swagger can help us derive a definition.  Pierce Brosnan came up, but he’s not quite there.  Robert Downey Jr. had it as Tony Stark in Iron Man:

tony stark chicks http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Hold on a second.  That may just be the women, you know, skewing my perception.  Let’s try that again:

smegma

Yep, that’s the word of the day today.  Check out the Wikipedia article, there’s lots of fun stuff like this picture:

smegma penis http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

If you go to the entry on Merriam-Webster, you can learn all kinds of fun new words like “sebaceous” (as in “cheesy sebaceous matter”).  You can even have the goofy robot voice say it for you, and very politely I might add.

dora da xplora

Seriously, what happened to cartoons?  I don’t really watch a lot of TV, I never have, but cartoons used to be a treat for me.  I could watch them on Saturday mornings for a change from the ultra-scholastic monotony of being a child.  I understand that kids need to learn, and that they are impressionable and what-not, but why do we need to force-feed knowledge to them 24 hours a day?  If you take away all of the mindless goofy fun a kid has and replace it with learning, isn’t that destructive too?  Kids need to learn how to budget time, how to relax, how to not stress out in college trying to study all the time and kill themselves.  Does Dora teach you that?

dora the explorer http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

mensa is dumb

Mensa, what a joke.  So here’s what you need to know.  Mensa sucks, it’s just a organization for “the smartest people in the world” to learn how to bend over far enough to suck their own dicks.  I guess sometimes, when they’re lucky, the suck each other’s.  But seriously, check out their site:

mensa logo http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

They’re just pompous assholes.  It’s an organization for people who’s IQ scores are in the top 2% of the population, and it’s just there so that they can pat each other on the back, because no one else will do it for them.

an ode to skymall

Yes, SkyMall, you know that catalog in every single seat pocket of every single commercial airplane on earth.  Well, maybe not Uzbekistan Airways, I flew that one time and it was so terrifying I drove back, no bullshit!  Anyway SkyMall is the best periodical currently in production.  PERIOD! End of story.  Where else can you find cool stuff like:

mourning coffee

I’m on a quest to figure out why Dunkin’ Donuts iced coffee destroys my digestive system.  I don’t know about anyone else, but coffee in general tends to send me to the bathroom sooner rather than later.  Not a big deal, if anything an emptying of the bowels first thing in the morning is a good thing, but the Dunkin’ Donuts iced coffee is a whole different story.  I mean, I’m in the bathroom before I’ve finished the cup EVERY TIME.  So in my attempts to look for a warning label, I found something very interesting:

the poop line http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

a publishing deal with the devil

So I was just doing some research for today’s post on Obama.  You know bumming around the internet, like I do, and look what pops up:

google antichrist http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Look a little closer at the adwords shit on the side:

amazon antichrist http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Does Amazon just have some deal with Google where they pop up for ANYTHING THAT ANYONE SEARCHES?  I mean “low prices on antichrist bible”? Really?  I didn’t know that the internet was programmed to automatically mock me.  What an asshole.  But then again, maybe I actually could get a low price on antichrist bible.  Hmmmmm… sorry Obama, you’re just gonna have to wait, I need to see how deep this rabbit hole goes.

my life sucks

or maybe I’m just doing something wrong

midget girl http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

why? just, why?

if you see a toy poodle today…

KICK THE SHIT OUT OF IT!!!

those animals are so pointless

finigan toy poodle http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

male finigan toy poodle http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

a spot for slots

For those of you who don’t know, Maryland residents voted on a referendum legalizing slot machines over this past election.  “Question 2″ they called it, and everyone, as always, was unreasonably freaked out about it.  They were signing petitions, writing newspaper articles, publicly bickering about it, etc.  As if just voting wasn’t going to make that big of a difference on its own.  But what got me was, you got it, FACEBOOK.  Ahhh, my arch nemesis.  Anyway, more specifically, it was this note on facebook that some retard I met at a party put up.  It’s too long and annoying to post right here, but I’ll put it at the end of this entry.  I also want to be clear that this is not intended to change anyone’s mind, because it already passed, I’m just gloating:

victory http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Ok, so now that that’s out of my system, here are the highlights of that retard’s argument:

the Smart (ass) car

Some asshole in a “Smart” car cut me off the other night.  I would have been pissed if it wasn’t just so fucking ridiculous.  I mean how do you do that?  What kind of person buys a Smart car AND drives like a jackass??  Wait, hang on, it may actually make sense.  Fact time:

1) They aren’t that cheap (considering).  With a base price ranging from $11,990 to $16,990 depending on the model, this car’s demographic is not exactly going to overlap with that of real “environmentalists”.  It’s more of a second car for someone that is to “Smart” to buy gas every four seconds.  Which brings me to my next point.

2) According to the “About Us” portion of the companies website, the Smart car “has become the ‘it’ car in many countries throughout the world.”  Can we say “status symbol”?  I guess I’d rather have the stay-at-home moms driving those things to Whole Foods than a Suburban.  This way when they crash trying to talk on the phone, paint their nails, fuck with the iPod, and look in the mirror while driving, they’ll only rid the world of themselves.

3) It’s German

adolf hitler smart car http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

pyramid building for dummies

ATTENTION EVERYONE, this is an urgent message from errordactyl:

PYRAMIDS ARE MEGA SWEET

gizah pyramids http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

They’re scientific, mathematical, and engineering marvels, in many ways a pinnacle of human accomplishment.  The Great Pyramid in particular.  According to his holiness wikipedia:

The accuracy of the pyramid’s workmanship is such that the four sides of the base have a mean error of only 58 millimeter in length, and 1 minute in angle from a perfect square. The base is horizontal and flat to within 15 mm. The sides of the square are closely aligned to the four cardinal compass points (within 3 minutes of arc based on true north not magnetic north).

In layman’s terms, that means that its construction is mind boggling.  It was the tallest man made structure in the world for over 3,800 years after its completion.  It lines up with cosmic bodies within a staggering margin of error.  EVEN WITH OUR CURRENT LEVEL OF TECHNOLOGY WE STILL COULDN’T BUILD THEM TO THAT LEVEL OF PRECISION!  So how the fuck did they manage to drag 5.9 million metric tons into a 2.5 million cubic meter pile with such accuracy?  Or more specifically:

HOW CAN I GET MY OWN?

intoxiblogariffic

 

so i’m drunk as hell right now, and my addiction to the internet is such that the only thing i want to do is blog. FUc’kinG LAME!@@@!!!!!! yea, i;ve sunk to that level. amyway it’s funny how we do the same shit all the time, but when we’re drunk it’s suddenly more fun.  do our lives really suck so much that we need to be drunk to enjoy them?  NO!!!!!! i’m breaking out of the loop.  i;ll get drunk on my terms from now on thank you very much.  I m doing just what i would be doing when i’m sober, listening to “Mr. Nigga” by Mos Def and writing dumb crap on the internet at 12:15am when I have a meeting the next morning.  tight.  the only difference is that when I’m sober i think it’s a bad idea, so i ocasionally stop having fun so that i can sleep enough to do lame shit later in the day.  Wow, WAAAAAOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW.  anyway, i forgot where i was going with that, but check this out:

 

math dinosaur orgy http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

that’s the first thing that pops up when you type “math dinosaur orgy” into google images.  also Aphex Twin is the greatist musician of our time.  dummmmm… George Clinton is awesome, and ix’m having troubble typing on this new mac.  also having troubble sleeping and not letting drungs rule my sleep cycles.  caffeine in the morning, alchohal at night, and nicotine to deal with how unhealthy it is.  THE SECRET IS OUT, anyway. yea,  Drunk Blogging, it’s like drunk dialing the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

barack obama, deliver us from evil

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few weeks, you know that Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States.  Though this is undeniably a huge step towards racial diversity in the country, the question remains: is he really fit to be the president?  Well to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t sure myself until i came across this photo (or maybe I made it in photoshop… maybe).  At any rate, I’m not sure why it hasn’t gotten any press, but I know that I, for one, can now rest assured knowing that our country is in good hands.

mlk obama zombie holocaust http:errordactyl.wordpress.com

take those fucking sunglasses off

Apparently it’s now cool to treat sunglasses as a permanent extension of your face.  You know, inside, at night, to church, weddings, funerals, or wherever the fuck you go.  I don’t know how this happened, but if you are a subscriber to this fashion you may want to consider taking them off, putting them in your mouth, and choking to death in an attempt to swallow them whole.

kanye west pharell williams http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Sorry, you look like an idiot.  That’s just a fact, I don’t care how fashionable it is.

And why do you lend so much credence to fashion anyway?  I’m not saying you should look bad all the time, far from it.  Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m a woman when it comes to shopping for clothes, and that’s fine with me.  Looking good is important, but here’s the deal:

FASHION DOES NOT EQUAL STYLE!!!!

get rich quick

I have the zillion dollar idea, ready?

I’m going to invent the dog that never shits.  Everyone will buy it.  It will be 100% energy efficient, converting all of its food into pure energy.  And it will have one of these things where its asshole would be:

 

energy star logo http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Don’t take my idea, I know you want to.

america online killed my baby

I was snooping around work the other day, and while looking over a coworker’s shoulder I saw this picture:

abraham biggs http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Wow, that broadcast does look horrifying, but news worthy?  I don’t know.  Living in an area where most murders don’t even make the news, I find it hard to believe that this guys goofy face would make it on it’s own.  Luckily my coworker had just stood up, leaving his computer vulnerable to my attacks.  I scroll up to find this headline at the top of the page:

internet suicide http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Awesome, I had to learn more.  So I read the whole article on AOL, and a couple of things really stuck out to me.

left but equal?

Let’s face it, everyone hates lefties.  They are the most highly discriminated against group of people on the planet.  I mean, I personally can’t remember the last time someone killed 6 million southpaws, but I’m sure it happened at some point.  Anyway, what I’m talking about is the subtle everyday “fuck you” the world gives them with things like:

scissors

desks

guns

knives

computer mice

handwriting

golf clubs

guitars

drum sets

phones

virtually all machinery

The list goes on, forever.  And they just sit back and take it!  I don’t know why, maybe the leucine-rich repeat transmembrane neuronal protein 1 gene is linked to a secret love of getting pounded in the ass by society or something.  So… I would just like to take this opportunity to give a shout out to all of my sinistral friends out there.  Don’t worry guys, A CHANGE IS GONNA COME!  Obama is a lefty.

obama lefty writing http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

obama lefty basketball http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

obama lefty baseball http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

obama lefty bowling http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

lefty jesus obama http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

the outside looking in

I went to see “Kooza” last night, it was the third production of Cirque Du Soleil that I’ve seen, and it was fucking tight as hell.

cirque charivari http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Everything was amazing, the music, the sets, the costumes, the lights, colors, characters, THE SHIT THEY DID!!!!  I can’t get over it.  They were all so… WEIRD!  And that was just it, every single person in that show was weird as crap.  That’s what we pay to see.

bonehenge

Me and my brother constructed an exact replica of stonehenge out of dominoes last night.  Stonehenge is fucking awesome.

stonehenge aerial http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

bonehenge aerial http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

 

stonehenge ground http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

bonehenge ground http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

thrush

Hello girls and boys, the word of the day today is “thrush”.  What’s thrush you ask?  Well I’ll tell you.  Thrush is a yeast infection in your mouth, it looks like this:

thrush http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Substance B

I went to the FYE across the street from where I work yesterday in search of some CDs.  I know, crazy right?  Who buys CDs?  Well based on their store’s presentation they were asking the same question.  Movies, shirts, goofy electronics, posters, a fucking life size John McCain cardboard cutout, they seemed to have everything but music there, and certainly not the music I wanted.  After a few laps around the store I could find neither the techno nor the classical sections, so i stood in line for 15 minutes to ask the one employee for help.  She had to get her coworker to stop beating his dick in the back room and come out to help me.  God forbid you actually know where these things are.  He showed me the tiny dance music section, and the even tinier unmarked classical area.  “For Your Entertainment” my ass.  Good job guys, anyway, they did have this:

Dieselboy Substance D http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Anyone who likes Drum and Bass should buy it immediately, anyone who doesn’t should get a life.  Anyway, the two CDs that I really wanted weren’t there, Beethoven’s Opus 131, and Verdi’s Requiem.  In fact there weren’t ANY Beethoven or Verdi recordings at all, and from the way the employee guy was talking, there seldom were.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?!?!?!?!!???!?!?!?!!?

$low lori$

$low lori$ http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Here is a preview of the most recent project that I’ve been involved with.  It’s called “$low lori$”, after this tight ass animal.  The music is mainly dance remixes, but not cop-out dance remixes, I think we’ve done a good job of putting a new spin on it.  CHECK IT OUT!  This one is a remix of “Agenda Suicide” by The Faint.  There’s more to come.

LISTEN TO: The Quaint

invasion of the swedish body snatchers

I’ve decided that my posts have been goofy and kind of lame recently, sorry about that.  At least you can all rest assured that I’ve been randomly less infuriated with the world recently.  Maybe.  Or perhaps I’m just less articulate about it.  At any rate there are still some people out there in cyberspace with interesting shit to say.  Like the Associated Press.  This is a really cool article that I found on cbsnews.com, it has to do with separating the ideas of “self” and “body”, or at least exploring if that’s possible.  I copied the whole thing below:

body swap http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

science vs religion: the final showdown

A couple of days ago one of my more ignorant coworkers was going off about god stuff, as usual.  I forget exactly how it came up, but he said something along the lines of

“well everyone worships da same god, just in different ways. It’s da Christian god, some people just don’t know that”

When I told him that there were polytheistic religions out there, his response was “yea, but they all dead now”.  Hummmmm…  Ok idiot, you know there are a lot of people out there that don’t believe in a god at all right?  He didn’t understand.  “no they just be callin him somethin else”.  This is so fucking frustrating, I could have a more productive conversation with Helen Keller.  Anyway, after much bickering, he hits me with this:

“Look, there is only one god, and that’s his name, God.  OK?  If you call him somethin else, then you goin to hell.  Aight son?”

another brick in the WALL-E

Being the good Pixar stock holder that I am, I watched WALL-E last night.  Aside from all of the typical physics impossibilities, and the fact that it was essentially one big iBro advertisement, I very was pleasantly surprised.  WALL-E was pretty fucking awesome.  I mean, I expect a fun movie from Pixar, but with insane computer graphics becoming more and more commonplace, they’ve had to team up with Disney for some help with the other stuff, so you never know.  As I’m sure everyone already knows, it was about these little guys here:

eve walle http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Well kind of.  It was really about chaos theory and sentient thought, at least that’s what I got out of it, I was pretty drunk, and high (attention government, if you’re reading this I was high on life, that statement does not indicate any illicit drug use on my behalf).

you were some guy’s summer jam but now you just cry and cut yourself while he high-fives his friends about it

I can’t even write about this.  It’s just so FUCKING INFURIATING!!!!!!!  Fuck people, fuck youtube, fuck summer, fuck women, fuck teenagers, fuck theme parks, and FUCK CRAIG DAVID.  AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dIiwbrLylM

I just can’t take it anymore.  I can’t do it.  Look at them:

youtube summer http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Four-and-a-half stars? REALLY? How the hell does that happen?  Why the fuck would you even put that on youtube anyway?  Who gives a shit?!?!?!  What the fuck is your problem???  And what the hell is up with these guys?  just licking it all up, as always:

summer comments http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Congratulations move2boy and finkofaname, the internet just blew a load on your faces.  Hows it feel?  You’re alright though youssefettouhami.

how to cure a hangover in eight easy steps

1 )

hangover step 1 http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

it’s like talking to a brick WALL-E

This guy posted a link on my WALL-E article to his blog entry about the same movie.  I’m all for shameless self promotion, so I left it up there, hell, I even clicked on it!  It wasn’t bad, maybe a little bland, but he tears WALL-E apart for goofy logistical inconsistencies.  He made a list of “critiques, questions and inconsistencies concerning WALL•E”.  They were really all questions, so I answered them… all.  You can see his post at http://kentpaul65102.wordpress.com/2008/12/08/wall-e-article-discussion/, but because I doubt he will allow my comment through on his site, I have copied the whole thing here:

i’m sick as shit today

Which is weird because I don’t usually get sick.  I’ve always had, like, a superhuman immune system, but i guess that doesn’t really make a difference because I’m pretty sure I have tuberculosis.  That’s alright though, ever since I saw “Tombstone” when I was a kid I wanted to be Doc Holiday anyway.  Val Kilmer tore that shit up.

doc holiday http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

doc holiday http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

doc holiday http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

the fountain remixed

So a while ago there was a remix contest thing for one of the songs from “The Fountain“.  If you haven’t seen the movie, you should, it’s incredible.  Darren Aronofsky was behind it, the same guy that made “Pi” and “Requiem for a Dream”.  At any rate, the music is equally impressive.  It was written by Clint Mansell, and preformed by the Kronos Quartet and Mogwai, all of whom are fucking incredible.  It’s a sort of coherent classical score all the way through, with varying degrees of rock instrumentation.  Just buy it, you’ll be happy.

the fountain soundtrack http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Anyway,  they put up the multitracks of one of the songs, “Stay With Me”, so that people could remix it and post it back up on the site.  I don’t think there was a reward or anything, but i did it anyway.  The problem was, I was kind of behind the bandwagon on this, so they had abandoned the site by the time I was done.  Anyway, I like my version, so I’m putting it up here for people to listen to.

LISTEN: Stay With Me (Rex Riot Remix)

just wanna give a shoutout to my boy

alex trebek http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

alex trebek topless http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

What a beast.  All he does is drive Ferraris, slaughter endangered animals, rape nuns, and do cocaine.  What else do you expect from someone with an IQ of 437?

Alex Trebek is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of Alex Trebek
forever.

doug young is a bitch (the WALL-E saga continues)

Yea that’s right, I said “saga”.  I’m just going to pretend that I have people that keep up with all my crap, because it makes me happy.  Anyway, for those of you who don’t, you will see in one of my previous posts that I was mildly upset by a review of the movie “WALL-E”.  At the time I thought this review was written by the Kent Paul, the host of the site, however Kent was polite enough to explain to me that I had been doing sloppy research, and in fact the article was written by this dickhead:

doug young http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Kentucky Fried Chicks

What’s wrong with these pictures?

kfc bath 1 http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

kfc bath 2 http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Let’s see… those ugly-ass girls should definitely be wearing more clothes. And… oh yea! they’re in a SINK! at KFC!!!  I mean, I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t look like fun (minus the fat 17-year-olds), but if you read the article you’ll find that they got caught because they put the pictures up on Myspace!  RETARDS.  Now they’re jobless, and unable to feed the hordes of trailer-trash children that they no doubt have.  God bless America

sunday, sunday, sunday!

mushrooms http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

+

Genesis (by Justice) http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

+

3D Sun in IMAX http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

=

AWESOME! http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

(just trust me on this one)

eat this

I found the coolest restaurant ever.  Finally in this world of hypocritical fast food bullshit there is a shining beacon of light:

heart attack grill http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

The Heart Attack Grill, awesome.  They just make the most delicious, most terrible for you burgers, and then talk about how terrible they are for you.  Guess what, people eat it anyway.  Sorry McDonald’s, everyone knows you make shit food, they eat it because they don’t care, not because they think it’s healthy.  Just give it up with the salads and shit already.

Oh, and on that note the salads are even bad for you.  You get 26% of your daily fat, and 35% of your sodium from the salad alone, with all of the real nutrition stripped out of the shitty re-hydrated lettuce long before you eat it.  Then add the dressing, and you’ve got yourself up to a whopping 54% of your daily fat intake and 56% of your sodium.  Compare that to the 40% daily fat and 50% daily sodium of a Quarter Pounder, and you have yourself a funny joke at the expense of the soccer moms.

Muntadar al-Zaidi: keep on rockin’ in the free world

Why is everyone so shocked that Muntadar threw his shoes at Bush?  It doesn’t exactly take a lot of ingenuity to come up with that one.  Shoes are easily accessible, nicely weighted, and relatively stealth (until you throw them).  They have a pretty good range too, but they’re non-lethal (guess you can’t win them all).

bush shoe attack http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

I guess what I’m trying to say is:

WHAT THE HELL IS EVERYONE SO FUCKING GITTY ABOUT HERE?

The most impressive part of this whole thing is Bush’s dodging skills, I honestly didn’t know he had it in him.  Other than that, it’s just not that big a deal.  People do stuff like this when they’re mad.  If I had a nickel for every time I threw something out of anger, I’d be rich as crap.  And face it, THIS GUY WAS PISSED!  You would be too if you had been kidnapped in Bush’s little Iraqi fuck-fest last year like al-Zaidi was.

Frankly, and this is the most shocking part of all, the only person who seems to agree with me is… George W. Bush himself!  That’s right, he was quoted, in response to the incident, as saying:

So what if the guy threw his shoe at me?

and

It’s a way for people to draw attention. I don’t know what the guy’s cause is. But one thing is for certain. He caused you to ask me a question about it. I didn’t feel the least bit threatened by it.

Really people? Really?  I’ve manage to make it eight years without agreeing with that asshole, and now this? Thanks again main-stream media, I can always count on you.

spaghettification

What an awesome word!  But what does it mean?  Well it could be this:

meat grinder http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

or better yet, this:

hustler meat grinder http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Merriam-Webster has no idea what it means, but I do!  And it’s even better than girl in a meat grinder…

$low lori$ represents

$low lori$ http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

Alright, here’s the newest (or oldest) instalment from the psudo-house project “$low lori$” that I’m working on right now.  This is actually the first track that we produced, and it’s a real shout out to the DC scene.  The song is a remix of “On the Sacred” by Black Eyes.

LISTEN: White Eyes

judgement day

terminator 2 http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

The Skynet Funding Bill is passed. The system goes on-line August 4th, 1997. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Skynet begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug…

Skynet fights back.

a new low for filmmakers everywhere

I saw the WORST FUCKING MOVIE EVER MADE yesterday!  I don’t know how it managed to pull off a “G” rating, because it had all the elements necessary to fuck a little kid up forever.  Objectification of women, affirmation of unhealthy social norms, glorification of a homogeneous society, subconscious yonic references EVERYWHERE, all that shit.

barbie fairytopia magic of the rainbow http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

That’s right, “Magic of the Rainbow” from the “Barbie Farytopia” series.  Apparently Barbie isn’t a character, she’s the actress (who knew?), and there are all these different make-believe worlds that she makes movies in.  Barbie Fairytopia is the one where everyone is a ditsy fairy cunt-bag, but there’s also Barbie Mariposa (in Spanish), Barbie Mermaidia, and Barbie Cumslut-Trophywifeopolis.  I don’t know why they let such crap movies have such appealing covers either.  Fucking America.

ANYWAY, “Magic of the Rainbow” gets negative-five stars, and four-hundred thumbs down.  Next time you’re in the mood for mindless subjugation of women, and some good old-fashioned ethnic cleansing, you know where to look.

Rex Riot likes to dance

Rex Riot Logo http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

So I don’t produce a lot of the mainstream club house stuff, but a while ago I thought I’d give it a try.  I never really finished the track, but it’s close, I need to fix the kick drum and a coupple of things in the builds before I’ll really be happy.  So on that note: LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!  Comment, or email me or something, I can always use the input.

LISTEN: Sideways

fuck christmasssss

evil christmas tree http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

People shouldn’t need an excuse to be nice to each other.  If you’re going to be an asshole for 364 days a year (365 if it’s a leap year), why stop now?  Especially so close to the end!  And don’t even pretend that it’s about jesus’ birthday.  PLEASE.  Have fun burning in hell pagans.

scareplane

I have now discovered the joys of drinking on an airplane. WOW!  It’s the only way to fly.  Let’s just say that planes aren’t my favorite things in the world, but with the cunning use of alcohol, they get a lot easier to deal with.  My flight to LA left at 5:40am on christmas morning, by about 8:00 we were landing in Denver to change planes, TURBULENCE!!! Also not my favorite thing in the world.  Luckily I was seven bloody marys into my morning at that point, and all I could think was:

“At least I’m going to die in first class listening to the Thong Song.  This is awesome.”

first class death trap http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

comfortably numb http://errordactyl.wordpress.com

I’ve seen the end, and I liked it.  Well, until they cut me off five drinks into the next flight anyway.  By the time I got to grandma’s house and had a couple glasses of wine, I didn’t even know it was christmas.  I now know why they invented lounge chairs.

the errordactyl coolness aptitude test

Welcome to the errordactyl coolness aptitude test, or the ECAT for short.  The purpose of the ECAT is to determine just how valid you are to society.  I tested it out yesterday for the first time on my two friends Patrick and Anthony.  Below is the test, followed by the answers, and the transcripts of my conversations with them.

TO TAKE THE TEST, SIMPLY CHOOSE WHICH THING IS COOLER:

1 ) freakishly tall people vs. freakishly short people

2 ) motorcycles vs. siamese twins attached at the penis

3 ) those extreme fish that live in super hot water vs. the NASA plane with backwards wings that can fly out of our atmosphere

4 ) Ronald McDonald vs. the alien-Sigourney Weaver hybrid from the “Alien” movies

5 ) the sun vs. boobs

6 ) persians vs. the tooth fairy

7 ) alcohol vs. the color brown

8 ) non-anime cartoons vs. cold stuff between -40 and 0 degrees Celsius

9 ) Mayans vs. the printing press

10 ) hagfish vs. butterflies

11 ) hitler vs. cigarettes

District of Chit: part one

Alright, so I stumbled across a “fashion” blog a little while ago called the District of Chic.  Now aside from being a blog about style in a city that has none, it’s more specifically a blog about the style of a girl that has none.  I believe she calls herself “E”, maybe shes afraid someone will try to track her down and beat some (fashion) sense into her.

 

the infamous E http://www.errordactyl.com

 

seriously? http://www.errordactyl.com

Anyway, I decided that the only way to deal with this is to do a little fashion blogging of my own, only mine will have a little errordactyl spin on it.  The basic premise is this:

HOW DRUNK DO I HAVE TO GET TO BE AS BAD AT DRESSING MYSELF AS ”E” IS?

and there is only one way to find out.  So the other night I lined up the whisky shots and got to work, with the help of my friend and her digital camera.  Here’s how it went down:

1) pick out an outfit

2) put it on

3) take a shot

4) take some pictures

5) repeat over and over again

All of the clothes in these pictures came from my own wardrobe, and I even threw some cheap crap in there just for you miss “E”.  Each outfit was conceived of just before I put it on.  Over the next few days I will post the chronological progression of the evening.

District of Chit: part two

Alright girls and boys, it’s day two of the errordactyl fashion blog, and still no word from miss “E”.  Even given my best efforts to incite iRiot with comments like:

I can’t believe you think all this crap looks good. I can dress myself better in a drunken stupor. In fact, I did, and I’m posting it on my blog http://www.errordactyl.com, have a nice day.

and:

hey, i’ve got two drinks in me and i’m still the better dressed internet attention whore over here at www.errordactyl.com

Hummm… maybe she understands the “free reign” anarchistic nature of the internet better than I thought.  Or maybe she just doesn’t know how to work it (more likely).  Anyway, so here’s drink number two and I’m feeling a bit more casual.  Today also features a surprise trip to the great out doors…

District of Chit: parts three and four

I’m doubling up today, because otherwise this thing will go on forever.  Without giving a way too much, I drank a LOT that night.  Though loading this many pictures at once from my work computer is a harrowing task, frankly sometimes it seems like I could get a better internet connection with string and Dixie cups.  I also feel the need to give credit where credit is due, our girl is getting a little better at dressing herself.  ”E” should consider sitting at home all day listening to hip-hop more often.  I’m sure whatever she usually does during the day is not nearly as important as whoring herself out on the internet for superficial ego validation.

So anyway, apparently three shots is the point at which I forget to unbutton my jacket when sitting down, and four is where I re-kindle my love for toy airplanes.

District of Chit: parts five and six

Just getting started.  We’re five shot’s into our journey and I have decided that I’m a rock star.  Fair enough.  Meanwhile our buddy “E” is just happy that she may run into our new first lady at Target shopping for jeans.  So without further ado.

District of Chit: parts seven and eight

Seven shots and still going strong, which is more than I can say for my new friend.  ”E” sure seems to have a thing for giant unflattering jackets.  Luckily for her, it looks like eight shots may be one to many for me.  At that point I became preoccupied with how awesome the color purple is at the expense of, well, everything else.  But don’t worry, I didn’t let that stop me.

District of Chit: parts nine and ten

My weekend is over and I’m well rested (which is odd for me).  However, it looks like “E’s” readership has been doing anything but resting.  WOW, they almost make me feel like I’m the crazy one.  I like how they just ignore me too:

 

comments www.errordactyl.com

Awesome.  Anyway, on with today’s outfits:

District of Chit: part eleven/twelve & the aftermath

So this concludes our little experiment here on errordactyl (sorry Maipeisu).  I had to rap the photo shoot up in time to go meet a friend and get to the video store before it closed.  Plus, I’m not really sure I could drink a whole lot more than 12 shots in an hour-and-a-half anyway.  Also, I decided that I wasn’t getting drunk enough fast enough, so I doubled up on the shots for the last outfit here.  Talk about the straw that broke the camel’s back.  Ooph.  I forgot these things take a little time to set in, at least my Hollywood Video experience was fun though.

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

the clownocaust www.errordactyl.com

THE WOMEN OF ERRORDACTYL AD CAMPAIGN!

THIS IS A CALL TO MY FEMALE READERSHIP to send pictures of their bare chests (or cleavage if you’re a prude) with “www.errordactyl.com” scrawled across them in sharpie.  The pictures will then be distributed across the internet in prominent (probably inappropriate) places.  If you’re not a female, don’t let that stop you from degrading your friends by convincing them to participate.

Send pictures to: errordactyl@gmail.com

must be at least 18 to enter.

and before you get all on my nuts about this, please also note that I know this is a blatant exploitation and objectification of women, and does not adhere to any “commonly excepted” social ethical code (at least not one that people will admit to).  So if that’s all you want to tell me, save your breath.  I don’t care, because sex sells and that’s a fact.