I woke up yesterday morning in a hungover stupor. Hours later, feeling a little better, but still utterly confused, I decided to make my way home. I glanced at the clock in the dashboard only to find out that it was an hour later than I thought. This couldn’t be right. I reached for my phone. That had the time that I thought it was, but it was dying, and therefore not to be trusted. Plus, the iPod was corroborating my car’s story. “Not to worry” I thought “I’ll figure it out when I get home”.
IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY!!!
But no, it’s not. I came home to discover that my alarm clock had reset itself in the night, and I had offset my other alarm intentionally, some how. It was an effort to wake myself up in a panic (I won’t get out of bed otherwise), but it backfired. Next, my computer. It agreed with my phone, almost, but it’s always wrong about everything, so no help there. THE INTERNET!!! It would have to know, so I asked it.
Yea, guess what else “isn’t that easy”.
That search took me here. To the GOVERNMENT, they know everything! So this was shaping up to be the answer to my questions, but wait! IT WAS IN MILITARY TIME!!! I was not about to figure that shit out. So I gave up, some one told me on the phone later that this was the day when we set the clocks back an hour. Oh yea, that. It got me thinking:
HOW DID WE FUCK TIME UP SO BAD THAT WE NEED TO FIX IT TWICE A YEAR?
We did invent time, you know that right? Maybe not time as in “the fourth dimension” (no, that’s not an invitation for a physics conversation), but time as in “GMT”, “timezones”, and “daylight savings time”. We made that shit up! All of it!! We assigned arbitrary numbers to parts of the day, only we didn’t do it right. We fucked up. And rather than just fixing it, we all have to be confused twice a year. Unless you live in the “Mountain Time Zone”, I guess they got sick of it too. A day is not 24 hours, a year is not 365 days, and we know this. But rather than adjusting our arbitrary number system, we just pretend that we’re right, and try to adjust the universe instead. We say things like “every four years there is a leap year, unless it is a year that is evenly divisible by 100, in which case it is not a leap year, unless it is evenly divisible by 400, in which case it is”. Awesome.
Thanks for fucking up the universe. We are forever in debt to you. Let us know when you want to fuck something else up. We’ll bend over.
PS. I mean how stubborn can we be, really?