the errordactyl coolness aptitude test

Welcome to the errordactyl coolness aptitude test, or the ECAT for short.  The purpose of the ECAT is to determine just how valid you are to society.  I tested it out yesterday for the first time on my two friends Patrick and Anthony.  Below is the test, followed by the answers, and the transcripts of my conversations with them.


1 ) freakishly tall people vs. freakishly short people

2 ) motorcycles vs. siamese twins attached at the penis

3 ) those extreme fish that live in super hot water vs. the NASA plane with backwards wings that can fly out of our atmosphere

4 ) Ronald McDonald vs. the alien-Sigourney Weaver hybrid from the “Alien” movies

5 ) the sun vs. boobs

6 ) persians vs. the tooth fairy

7 ) alcohol vs. the color brown

8 ) non-anime cartoons vs. cold stuff between -40 and 0 degrees Celsius

9 ) Mayans vs. the printing press

10 ) hagfish vs. butterflies

11 ) hitler vs. cigarettes


1 ) freakishly tall people

2 ) motorcycles

3 ) the NASA plane with backwards wings that can fly out of our atmosphere

4 ) Ronald MacDonald

5 ) boobs

6 ) the tooth fairy

7 ) alcohol

8 ) non-anime cartoons

9 ) Mayans

10 ) hagfish

11 ) hitler

Alright, now here’s what your score means.  If you got below a 4 you have nothing to offer society.  If you got a 5 to 7, we need you to do stuff for us that we don’t want to do ourselves, but don’t try to talk to me.  If you got an 8 to 10, welcome friend.  If you got an 11, you’re almost as cool as I am, now here’s how Patrick and Anthony did:

6:49 PM me: freakishly tall people vs freakishly short people
which one’s cooler
6:50 PM also motorcycles vs Siamese twins attached at the penis
6:51 PM Patrick: the former, of both
imho ^_^
me: i’m bored, can you tell?
Patrick: hahahaha
6:52 PM freakish shortness = dwarf/midget/little person (much scarier than a tall person, to me) and siamese twins being joined at genitalia is just wrong
6:53 PM me: ok, how about those extreme fish that live in super hot water vs the nasa plane with backwards wings that can fly out of our atmosphere?
Patrick: definitely the extreme fish
6:54 PM me: humm
i’m not sure what the right answer was on that one to be honest
Patrick: right answer??
is this a personality test?
me: this is a nickality test
Patrick: hahahahaha
damn i hope i pass
only three questions?
miss one and i get a D
6:55 PM me: there will be more
i’m testing anthony now too
you guys have been the same so far
Patrick: who’s anthony again?
do i know him?
me: i don’t think so
Patrick: oh okay whew
<—- bad with names
6:56 PM me: alright now
6:58 PM ronald macdonald vs the alien-sigourney weaver hybrid from the third alien movie
or was it the second?
Patrick: ooooooooh thats a tough one
7:00 PM me: yea i know
Patrick: im gonna have to go with ms. alien hybrid i think, because ronald loses points for being quasi-pedo, even though he gets major points for being the scary representative of one of the most ruthless capitalistic machines the planet has ever laid eyes on
me: yea
the correct answer was ronald
Patrick: arrrrggggggghhhh
me: because he’s more disgusting than the alien thing
7:01 PM Patrick: yes most definitely hahaha
i have to agree with that
me: on to my next one
the sun vs boobs
Patrick: the sun
any day hands down
and im not just saying that because im queer
me: lol
i know
7:02 PM because no one is too queer for boobs
Patrick: lol
me: unless you’re a girl
in which case you can’t be too strait for them
it’s a scientific fact
7:03 PM Persians vs the tooth fairy
Patrick: whoooooooa
7:05 PM persians
me: wrong
Patrick: the tooth fairy just doesnt have enough history behind it to intrigue me, even it did come from europe or somewhere
me: persians suck
what the hell is wrong with you people
Patrick: hahaha
and the tooth fairy doesnt suck somehow?
7:06 PM i hated the tooth fairy
me: every once and a while a kid likes the tooth fairy so much he knocks out a tooth that isn’t loose
Patrick: in terms of getting money for bodily organs, there’s other things that go for more i hear
like livers and kidneys
7:07 PM mwahahahahahaha \m/
7:09 PM me: alcohol vs the color brown
Patrick: alcohol
7:10 PM MOAR questions plz
me: hang on, i’m trying to keep anthony in sync
7:13 PM cartoons vs cold stuff
Patrick: do cartoons include anime?
me: no
7:14 PM and cold is between -40 and 0 degrees celcius
Patrick: it cant be colder than that?
well im still gonna have to say cold stuff
me: no
it can’t
7:15 PM that’s a tough one
Patrick: yah
7:17 PM me: mayans vs the printing press
Patrick: hahahahaha are you kidding
any culture with a genius mathematical system like theirs is so win
me: correct
Patrick: i mean, shit, they could construct roads that maintain a smaller percentage of error in terms of straightness than OURS do (due to the earth’s rotation)
7:18 PM lol
next question barbara!
7:19 PM the printing press is very interesting
if you had said the mayans versus wireless communication technology
then i would have hesitated
maybe wireless transmissions or something like that
7:20 PM me: hagfish vs butterflies
Patrick: wth is a hagfish
me: if you have to ask
7:21 PM Patrick: lol
well kneejerk, i ought to go with butterflies, as a HUGELY important symbol of japanese culture
mono no aware
7:22 PM whoa. a hagfish has a skull and no vertebrae
me: yea
care to change your answer?
Patrick: haha that is one NASTY animal
7:23 PM alright well let me ask something. am i giving you the answer that i prefer or the one that i think is more representative of “nickness”?
7:24 PM me: you’re supposed to say which one is cooler
it’s not subjective at all
7:25 PM Patrick: is butterfly limited to the creature, or does it encompass all semiotic importance that the name and form might connote?
me: don’t fuck with me patrick
i’ll kill you
7:26 PM Patrick: ahh to hell with it. ill go with butterfly. even though a hagfish can apparently produce enough slime to drown several babies in a few minutes
me: you see where i’m going with this one?
Patrick: hahaha OH yes
me: hagfish are fuckiing tight dude
Patrick: hahaha yes they are
and terrifying
me: hitler vs cigarettes
7:27 PM Patrick: damn thats a tough one
me: yea i know
Patrick: here’s the REAL question
which is responsible for more deaths?
me: oh fuck you dude
Patrick: hahahaha
me: you’re good
7:28 PM Patrick: hmmm
7:29 PM arrggh thats a fucking tough one
if people really understood the idea that inspired hitler, it would blow minds
7:30 PM me: the nazis discovered that smoking was bad for you
Patrick: really?
me: just sayin
Patrick: damn
me: fucked up testing on jews
instead of lab rats
Patrick: oh man i can imagine
well.. taking the svastika and tilting it on its point
i mean, that alone just blows my mind
7:31 PM even thinking in terms of ideas of geometric stability
turning a square on its point undermines the stability of the shape
and the svastika, no matter the direction, is meant to be resting on a flat surface, if i understand correctly
7:32 PM i mean, all the horrible things that happened aside, from a detached, intellectual standpoint, its both appalling and fascinating at the same time, how cultures can be so inextricably connected and how the symbolism is so prevalent
im going with hitler
7:34 PM the svastika is a most auspicious symbol. for a madman to take it and pervert it so, and to misunderstand the notion of different races so blatantly, speaks to the magnitude of his perversion. we’re talking about a scarily powerful personality here
i feel like only the devil could touch such a sacred thing and make it profane
me: you answered that one correctly
Patrick: hahah sweet
me: brb now i need to smoke
Patrick: ROFL
7:35 PM cigarettes win in the end eh.
  8 minutes
7:43 PM me: hahaha
guess so
that concludes our test for the evening
What is that, 5 out of 11? COME ON PATRICK!!!! I had so much more faith in you.
Anyway, now on to Anthony:
6:43 PM me: pyramids
6:44 PM Anthony: …are cool?
6:45 PM me: just checking
Anthony: don’t worry, i got your back
me: tight
6:46 PM ummmmmm…
6:47 PM motorcycles
or siamese twins
in a cool-off who wins?
6:48 PM Anthony: where are the siamese twins connected?
me: good question
the penis
Anthony: umm, both of those scare me
but i would have to pick motorcycles
6:49 PM me: cool
how about freakishly tall people vs freakishly short people
Anthony: which is cooler or scarier?
me: cooler
Anthony: tall
me: interesting
6:50 PM Anthony: really short people sometimes make me uncomfortable, like, not in a they creep me out way, just in a make me constantly thinking about what i’m doing way to make sure i’m not offensive
6:51 PM me: that’s funny
i try to figure out how to be as offensive as possible
patrick agreed on both counts to my survey
i’m bored, can you tell?
6:52 PM Anthony: lol
a tad
6:53 PM me: ok, how about those extreme fish that live in super hot water vs the nasa plane with backwards wings that can fly out of our atmosphere?
6:54 PM Anthony: extreme fish
6:55 PM me: hummm
i’m thinking you answered that one wrong
Anthony: i’m thinking not
6:56 PM me: this is not your test
it is mine
6:57 PM Anthony: tell me why i’m wrong
me: you just are
Anthony: not acceptable
give me proof
or at least your explanation
6:58 PM me: sorry bro
right and wrong is absolute
i don’t make the rules here
ronald macdonald vs the alien-sigourney weaver hybrid from the third alien movie
or was it the second?
Anthony: lol, alien
6:59 PM honestly, i haven’t seen any of the alien movies…but i figured that was a safe answer
me: wrong again
the hybrid thing was disgusting
but ronald is more disgusting
Anthony: dude you talked about how alien 3 was your favorite movie when you were 5
7:00 PM me: yea but they all get mixed up in my mind
Anthony: lol
7:01 PM me: the sun vs boobs
Anthony: lolol
7:02 PM …the sun is cooler
that being said, i wouldn’t want to touch it
me: case and point
7:03 PM alright
Persians vs the tooth fairy
7:04 PM Anthony: lol, this is the 3rd hit when you google image “cool things”
me: rightfully so
and no
persians suck
Anthony: they’re more interesting that the tooth fairy
me: and every once and a while a kid likes the tooth fairy he knocks out a tooth that isn’t loose
Anthony: did you return the barbie farietopia movie, nick?
me: so she’s cooler
7:05 PM Anthony: how many more times did you watch it?
me: yea
Anthony: are you sure?
me: we almost watched it on newyears eve!\
Anthony: how could you have made that mistake again
dude, herodotus was my homeboy for a while
me: booze
7:06 PM Anthony: the persians are interesting
just the sight of those rainbow faries would induce vomit in me i think
me: chill out
7:07 PM Anthony: dude, that movie incites a violent reaction in me
me: i love it
Anthony: we can agree to disagree
ok, i
i can’t type
i’ve calmed down
7:09 PM me: alcohol vs the color brown
7:10 PM Anthony: i do like the color brown, but i’d have to pick alcohol
7:12 PM me: alright
7:13 PM cartoons vs cold stuff
Anthony: how cold?
me: good question
between -40 and 0 degrees celcius
Anthony: cartoons
7:14 PM well
no, i’ll stick with cartoons
me: yea
that’s a tough one
7:15 PM Anthony: i do like snow, but that’s abstracting a bit
me: not really
that counts
Anthony: is it ever gonna snow here?
me: no
Anthony: when i went home, there was snow for one day, then it poured freezing rain and then it was like 60 the rest of the time
me: i hope not
Anthony: do you ski/snowboard
7:16 PM yeah, it was gross
me: i can snowboard
but not much
7:17 PM mayans vs the printing press
Anthony: hmm, that’s a hard one
the mayans are very cool, but the printing press’ influence on modern day is too vast to ignore
7:18 PM printing press
me: wrong
7:19 PM the mayans were cooler without the help of the printing press
Anthony: wait, am i trying to guess what you think is cooler, or telling you what i think is cooler?
me: what IS cooler
this is not subjective
7:20 PM Anthony: yes
i see
me: hagfish vs butterflies
7:21 PM Anthony: butterflies
hagfish are disgusting
and that is fact
me: you are frustrating me
and that is a fact
7:22 PM Anthony: :)
gimme another
me: hahaha
Anthony: wait, why are hagfish cool?
me: do you know anything about their biology?
7:23 PM Anthony: nothing detailed
me: well when you do i’m sure you’ll change your answer
7:24 PM Anthony: butterflies, despite being a biological cliche, are pretty neat
7:26 PM me: hitler vs cigarettes
7:28 PM Anthony: hitler is a more interesting topic than cigarettes, but i wouldn’t say i’m a bigger fan of hitler
7:29 PM me: why not?
he killed less people
and discovered that smoking was bad for you
7:30 PM Anthony: people, for the most part, choose to smoke, in terms of deaths caused by each, i don’t think many would agree that deaths caused by hitler were less heinous
me: not gonna disagree
7:31 PM for now lol
Anthony: haha

8 minutes
7:39 PM Anthony: i think my friend stephanie is actually coming to visit during the party weekend
7:40 PM i made her join the facebook event, haha
7:42 PM me: sweet!
7:43 PM that concludes our test for the evening
Anthony: do i get a score?
me: yea
you’ll see it on my blog
Anthony: haha, is it still alive then?
7:44 PM me: i suppose

Wow, 4.5 Anthony? REALLY?
What the hell is wrong with my friends.


Filed under it's the little things that count

2 responses to “the errordactyl coolness aptitude test

  1. Bob

    I got a 2. : ( And really, only the two gimmies. Although, I couldn’t remember what a hagfish was when I was answering, so I skipped that one. But I would have picked hagfish, now that I was reminded of their amazing feat. So, I think that gives me a 3. Holler!! Oh wait, I still get executed, right? : \ Oh well.

  2. Colin

    scored a 6 blah!

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